Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
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I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Twitter fine art
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Wait for it
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
This hospital has everything
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.