a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
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Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
それは草
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
🤣🤣🤣
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!