Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
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If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
remember
only for emergencies
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Feel. He’s so soft.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.