My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
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For cardio I live beyond my means.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.