Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Breaking news:
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”