SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
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They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.