turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
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Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I triple waxed for this?
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….