Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
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DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
“I wouldn’t.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!