Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I’m Sold!
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Ok, but like, how married are you?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.