I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches