1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
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[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.