Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
You Might Also Like
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!