The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
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ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Worth remembering.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.