Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
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everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
That’s it.I’m out.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
dream blunt rotation
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.