I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
what my late-night hot pocket sees
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.