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I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Meow
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume