MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
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[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?