[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
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Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.