Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
no one ever comes back
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.