[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck