[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
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Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.