I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
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Don’t take drugs… for granted.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
excuse me
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.