I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
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*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want