Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
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The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??