Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
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If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin