My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
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‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Lmbo
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.