Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.