a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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Them: You should try keto
Me:
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
blocked.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW