Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
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Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother