“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth