Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]