doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Not today.. 😂