Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
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[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do