“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.