It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
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Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Milk Cube
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street