“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
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Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
awkward
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.