i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
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On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”