What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.