Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
You Might Also Like
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment