[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
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Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
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