The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.