Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.