HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
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This headline is a thing of beauty
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
dude it’s called proctologist
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”