one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
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My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Stop making fast and furious movies.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I’m giving up for Lent.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby