Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
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War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
You deplete me
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?