Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
You Might Also Like
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or