Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
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Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”