My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
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My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.