[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
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I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”