Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I鈥檇 be angry, too.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
馃ゴ
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I don鈥檛 really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it鈥檚 electric.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.